


You Got Knocked Up, You Got Knocked Out

by 0m3g4



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 07:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13654230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0m3g4/pseuds/0m3g4
Summary: Tucker invites everyone to a Sangheili party in which Washington gets knocked up.





	You Got Knocked Up, You Got Knocked Out

**Author's Note:**

> My left field needs to be sprayed for locust...no clue where this came from and I'm personally afraid of my brain right now.

"So...what is it with you and your little friends that you don't like contraceptives?"  
Wash looked up at Doctor Grey with an incredulous 'Really?' look on his face. His eyes were bloodshot from the constant vomiting since they left the Embassy back to Chorus when they noticed Wash being moody...er than usual. 

She snorted back a laugh and smacked him in the forehead with a reflex hammer. "Seriously. Bad news is you're pregnant! Congratulations by the way." Her voice was sincere and not helping matters any.  
"What's the good news?" His patience was wearing thin and that bout of nausea was back with a vengeance. He doubled over, groaning and slapping the air for a bucket that magically appeared.   
"Well, Doc had successfully helped deliver and Tucker had a successful birth!" Her cheerful giggle jarred his nerves, or what little he had retained as nerves.   
He was in a new type of hell that he would trade being thrown back in jail for. His body ached, his ankles felt swollen, and his nipples were sore.   
Goddamnit his nipples were sore!  
"Can you help me not feel like I'm dying?"  
"Oh! Yes!" She shot him the neck with the jet injector.   
With what? After a few seconds he didn't care as the pain passed. Her words were garbled as she told him slowly that he was giving birth now.  
Now?! But the incident happened only a week ago. He gave a squeak of "Wha?" and proceeded to pass out. 

After the Epsilon 'incident', when in shock; Wash's brain would reset like a computer. Codes would begin to file in, accessing, rebooting, and filing crash reports until finally the system restarted.   
The memory kicked in and reminded him of what happened. 

 

The Sangheili Embassy was celebrating the anniversary of end of The Great War and Tucker invited everyone they could pack on a ship to party and finally meet his son Junior. Washington was a little worried as he always was about something happening. He was especially on edge since he fought the aliens on multiple occasions and didn't know how he would react.   
Tucker promised that everything would be fine, which to Washington meant about as much as Polomo not fucking something up. The Sangheili partied hard. There would be a feast, then drinking, then fighting, and then more drinking.   
It actually didn't sound that bad.  
At first. 

He was sat with a High Councilor, which Tucker helped translate what he could. At first, he was incredibly awkward discussing his kill rate and his former life. Then, after a few mugs of some strange brew, he was in a sandy pit in hand to hand combat. He held his own pretty well, much to the laughter and hard back slaps of the High Councilor.   
The others enjoyed the mock battles, except for Caboose who sat at the table muttering about catching pregnancy.  
He began to sober up on the ride home and with that an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. Everyone else was happy and acting normal which for some reason was pissing him off. He saw Caboose lean over towards Carolina telling her something that made her sit next to him the duration of the flight. There were some jokes about puking in his helmet that made him snap, killing the mood.  
Next thing he knew, he was sitting on a hospital bed with his stomach growing larger by the minute. 

 

Washington awoke from his fevered dream to Tucker's worried face.   
"What happened?" His tongue felt thick in his mouth.   
Exhaling slowly and looking up thoughtfully, "A wise asshole once told me...you got knocked up, you got knocked out." He gave a brilliant smile that just rubbed him the wrong way.  
"You did this to me you asshole!" His hand shot out from under the blanket and found a home around Tucker's neck. "Let's go to a party he said! It'll be fun he said!" The strain of trying to kill the aqua trooper pulled at his tender muscles and he dropped him quickly to grab his sore stomach.   
"Not my fault you flirted with the High Councilor all night!" He gurgled out and fell to the floor with a thud.   
Grey walked into the room, stepping over Tucker who groaned on the floor. "There's our happy daddy! How are you feeling?"  
"Like death rolled me up into a burrito with the scythe up my ass." He sat on the edge of the bed as she handed him his clothing.   
"So...on a scale from 1 to 10, which way is the scythe inserted?"  
He looked at her like she was crazy as she giggled and injected him with a low dose of pain killer. It took the edge off without knocking him out this time. "Well. When do I get to see the little...tyke?" He was confused what to call it.  
"SHE is with President Kimball and Carolina." Doctor Grey finally helped Tucker up. He made a snide comment about taking long enough as she examined his throat. "Really Captain Tucker. Why don't you go to the maternity ward and see if anymore little ones pop out saying Hey Chicka Bump Bump."  
"I...wait...that's not how it's said! If any of those kids eat crayons and drink gasoline, I want a paternity test!"

She snorted and walked out of the room. After a minute her head popped into the doorway. "Well Agent Washington?"  
He sucked in a deep breath. "Yeah...coming." Wash instinctively kicked Tucker as he made a 'that's what she said' joke. 

They made their way to the President's office to see Carolina and Kimball both leaning in and cooing the little baby Sangheili on the office desk with a plate of cookies between them. It made happy little 'honks' as it nibbled.   
Carolina looked up with a smile, "Lookie, there's mommy." Kimball chuckled and pushed a chair up for Washington to sit in. He took in the little creature as it walked to the edge of the desk holding out a cookie for him.   
"For me?" He took the cookie and took in the little one's coloring. Her armor was gray with soft yellow stripes like his armor. Wash put out his hand and gave a soft laugh as the baby's tiny hands grasped his finger. She was barely a foot tall, but from what he heard from Tucker, they grew quickly. In some ways, too quick.  
"What are you going to name her?" Carolina's eyes were soft and shiny as she took in the tenderness he showed the little one.   
"Rainier. What do you think?"   
Rainier made a chirpy 'honk' and climbed up Wash's arm and settled on the back of his neck. She rested her head in his hair and made a happy 'blarg' in his sun bleached locks. He instantly relaxed in a way he never felt he was able to relax before. Rainier's little purrs vibrated the back of his neck into his chip dock, taking away the empty stinging pain.   
"I'm going to teach you everything kiddo. From skateboarding to shooting Tucker and maybe stabbing Tucker."   
She softly sighed and cuddled her papa.

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked this...I hope someone does too.


End file.
